Ok so usually I wouldnt just randomly post my feelings... My deep dark actual Im afraid to admit fears online but my best friend since the 1st grade Ashli inspired me & if she can do it, I can! So let me start out......
Im scared of relationships. Lol
Hi my name is Niassa and I am afraid to be in a relationship. *sigh*
That actually feels good even tho Im only typing it. I am terribly afraid to be in another relationship. That really feels good to admit. Wednesday I went to my I am Beautiful club meeting as usual and we had a group one on one talk with a group of guys. Now granted to ones who actually participated in the discussions weren't my age but they were close enough, but a couple things really stood out to me that were said.
1. What is the purpose of dating at our age? & I responded there really is no point because we are NOT grown and can't really do anything & someone else said they feel it is to find a lifelong mate & it was asked at 16,17, 18 are you really ready to find the person you are meant to spend the rest of your life with? I dont believe so... You just haven't experienced life enough to know honestly what qualities you want in your life for the REST of your life when you havent lived life.
2. Another question asked was why do ALL guys lie to their girls and say they love them? The guys immediately jumped and said not ALL guys lie, which to some extent is true but that is another issue... They said that guys have feelings too and can actually mean it but just not in the way girls take it. They can mean I love an aspect of you like the way a girl makes them smile or how funny they are, which is true. But someone else said your capacity for love grows, extends, broadens as you grow older so at 16 you may think you love Paul but at 24 you may not feel the same because your capacity has grown even tho it may be the same guy, just at a different time. I think that seems logical but Im just not feeling it... I feel like my capacity for love is disappearing. My love/ patience for friends is dying as well as my desire to want to be in a relationship has completely gone away. Now Im starting to think it has nothing to do with the boy I put ALL my efforts into too little too late and more to do with me. I mean yes for some reason my natural womanly thing happened and I felt the need to surround my life around him and making us one, but much to my avail it was AFTER the end of out relationship & during a timeperiod where he still wanted me but also Sally, Sue & whoever else wanted to take a crack at him & i must admit I was naive to that situation but it has killing my desire to want to enter a state of actually caring for someone else in the same nature so i think I've convinced myself I hate relationships... But what am I afraid of???
Being hurt again?
Love?
Messing up again?
or
Trying something new?
