Fear

So after last night and my breakdown and admittance of my greatest fear right now (that Im my mother's child) I've decided that I am going to write out ALL of my fears and try to defeat one of them a week... Sounds good??? Haha well we will see if I actually go through with this goal. So here we go with the list of fears (as I listen to my inspiration to write this blog, Fear by Jazmine Sullivan):

I am scared to try cause I am scared to fail
I am scared to START cause I am scared I'll QUIT
I am scared to look cause I am scared to see
I am scared that people won't like my shit
I am scared to kiss, scared to hug, scared of SEX cause I am scared to touch
I am scared to MOVE ON so I LIVE IN THE PAST
I am scared to scared to love cause I am scared he'll LEAVE
I am scared of YOU cause I am scared of ME
I am scared to just share a secret cause Im scared u'll tell
I am scared of rumors starting, of people watching
I am scared to LEARN cause I am scared of TRUTH
I am scared to fight cause I am scared to bleed
I am scared to fly cause I am scared to crash
I am scared to swim cause I am scared Ill SINK
I am SCARED TO GROW UP CAUSE I AM SCARED TO GET OLD
I am SCARED OF THE DARK AND BEING ALONE

Now granted all of these fears are lyrics in Jazmine's song, I still feel each and every ONE of these fears, just in my own way. My plan is to example how she was able to capture ALL of my fears in one song as I conquer each of them. :p

Blah blah Blah

Blah blah Blah is all I can say to express how I currently feel... Im not just blah, but blah blah blah. Honestly I feel like Im alone. & yea I know that I have friends that are always gonna be there for me but in real life, thats bullshit. Even my real best friends cant be here in my room on my bed and give me a hug, and understand what I am going through. Im going through a lot of shit in my life, actually Ive been through a lot of shit in my life and honestly Im tired. Ppl always wonder why I am the way I am and Ive just come to the conclusion...... Im not normal, now I may have said this several times but this time I am completely serious... The thoughts that roam my head arent normal, the way my moods change arent normal. And Ive finally come to the conclusion why... Im my mother's daughter... For years ppl have been saying Im just like my mother and I have been denying it but its true, Im my mother's daughter and her little clone. Im exactly like her... I fear that I suffer from depression just as she does... Why else do I all knowingly runaway from any person who shows me affection and yearn for those who dont??? According to Google Health, depression "is caused by chemical imbalances in the brain, which may be hereditary or caused by events in a person's life." When I first read this it made e wonder, is that why my mother, the person I love most in this world suffers from it??? Because my Nana has alzheimer's, several of my granny's siblings suffer from various mental disabilites and my greatgrandma (who has dead for almost a year now and Im just now starting to realize and feel the fact that she is died and I will never get to makeup the time I never spent with her) died a bitter, old, lonely woman. The other thing that troubles me are the symptoms that I clearly express: * Agitation, restlessness, and irritability (If you know me you know that true)
* Dramatic change in appetite, often with weight gain or loss
* Extreme difficulty concentrating (I def havent been seriously focused on anything in years)
* Fatigue and lack of energy (I never feel like doing anything)
* Feelings of hopelessness and helplessness (How I currently feel)
* Feelings of worthlessness, self-hate, and inappropriate guilt(I def feel guilty over sleeping today)
* Inactivity and withdrawal from usual activities, a loss of interest or pleasure in activities that were once enjoyed (such as sex)(BINGO!!!!!)
* Thoughts of death or suicide (I havent thought of killing myself but I have planned out how I dont want to live very long)
* Trouble sleeping or excessive sleeping (Either I dont sleep, or I sleep ALL day)

I def show signs of depression and I have no way of beating this. My support system is all over the country enjoying their own lives in college, which is fine, I want the ppl I love most to enjoy college. As EVERYONE I've got to about my problems tells me, "It's the best time of your life"... So why is it that I feel miserable??? Why is it that I've managed to put myself right where I was the summer before my senior year??? Alone??? Desperately trying to attach my heart to a guy that its not meant to be attached to just because we shared a sexual act together??? Pushing away another guy that I generally care for because every male I've ever had in my life that has told me they cared has left me??? Non chalant attitude towards my classes??? Friends who tell me "why are you telling me this? Stop feeling bad for yourself and write it out!"???

I hate that I feel this way and that I know when this started, who started this chain of feelings that I cant let go off... I hate that Im my mother's daughter... I HATE THAT IM MY MOTHER'S DAUGHTER!!! I hate that I dont know how to be normal, to function like everybody else does??? I hate that Im my mother's daughter.... I hate that I feel Blah blah Blah... I guess the one consistency here is hate... Blah blah Blah