Fear

So after last night and my breakdown and admittance of my greatest fear right now (that Im my mother's child) I've decided that I am going to write out ALL of my fears and try to defeat one of them a week... Sounds good??? Haha well we will see if I actually go through with this goal. So here we go with the list of fears (as I listen to my inspiration to write this blog, Fear by Jazmine Sullivan):

I am scared to try cause I am scared to fail
I am scared to START cause I am scared I'll QUIT
I am scared to look cause I am scared to see
I am scared that people won't like my shit
I am scared to kiss, scared to hug, scared of SEX cause I am scared to touch
I am scared to MOVE ON so I LIVE IN THE PAST
I am scared to scared to love cause I am scared he'll LEAVE
I am scared of YOU cause I am scared of ME
I am scared to just share a secret cause Im scared u'll tell
I am scared of rumors starting, of people watching
I am scared to LEARN cause I am scared of TRUTH
I am scared to fight cause I am scared to bleed
I am scared to fly cause I am scared to crash
I am scared to swim cause I am scared Ill SINK
I am SCARED TO GROW UP CAUSE I AM SCARED TO GET OLD
I am SCARED OF THE DARK AND BEING ALONE

Now granted all of these fears are lyrics in Jazmine's song, I still feel each and every ONE of these fears, just in my own way. My plan is to example how she was able to capture ALL of my fears in one song as I conquer each of them. :p

Blah blah Blah

Blah blah Blah is all I can say to express how I currently feel... Im not just blah, but blah blah blah. Honestly I feel like Im alone. & yea I know that I have friends that are always gonna be there for me but in real life, thats bullshit. Even my real best friends cant be here in my room on my bed and give me a hug, and understand what I am going through. Im going through a lot of shit in my life, actually Ive been through a lot of shit in my life and honestly Im tired. Ppl always wonder why I am the way I am and Ive just come to the conclusion...... Im not normal, now I may have said this several times but this time I am completely serious... The thoughts that roam my head arent normal, the way my moods change arent normal. And Ive finally come to the conclusion why... Im my mother's daughter... For years ppl have been saying Im just like my mother and I have been denying it but its true, Im my mother's daughter and her little clone. Im exactly like her... I fear that I suffer from depression just as she does... Why else do I all knowingly runaway from any person who shows me affection and yearn for those who dont??? According to Google Health, depression "is caused by chemical imbalances in the brain, which may be hereditary or caused by events in a person's life." When I first read this it made e wonder, is that why my mother, the person I love most in this world suffers from it??? Because my Nana has alzheimer's, several of my granny's siblings suffer from various mental disabilites and my greatgrandma (who has dead for almost a year now and Im just now starting to realize and feel the fact that she is died and I will never get to makeup the time I never spent with her) died a bitter, old, lonely woman. The other thing that troubles me are the symptoms that I clearly express: * Agitation, restlessness, and irritability (If you know me you know that true)
* Dramatic change in appetite, often with weight gain or loss
* Extreme difficulty concentrating (I def havent been seriously focused on anything in years)
* Fatigue and lack of energy (I never feel like doing anything)
* Feelings of hopelessness and helplessness (How I currently feel)
* Feelings of worthlessness, self-hate, and inappropriate guilt(I def feel guilty over sleeping today)
* Inactivity and withdrawal from usual activities, a loss of interest or pleasure in activities that were once enjoyed (such as sex)(BINGO!!!!!)
* Thoughts of death or suicide (I havent thought of killing myself but I have planned out how I dont want to live very long)
* Trouble sleeping or excessive sleeping (Either I dont sleep, or I sleep ALL day)

I def show signs of depression and I have no way of beating this. My support system is all over the country enjoying their own lives in college, which is fine, I want the ppl I love most to enjoy college. As EVERYONE I've got to about my problems tells me, "It's the best time of your life"... So why is it that I feel miserable??? Why is it that I've managed to put myself right where I was the summer before my senior year??? Alone??? Desperately trying to attach my heart to a guy that its not meant to be attached to just because we shared a sexual act together??? Pushing away another guy that I generally care for because every male I've ever had in my life that has told me they cared has left me??? Non chalant attitude towards my classes??? Friends who tell me "why are you telling me this? Stop feeling bad for yourself and write it out!"???

I hate that I feel this way and that I know when this started, who started this chain of feelings that I cant let go off... I hate that Im my mother's daughter... I HATE THAT IM MY MOTHER'S DAUGHTER!!! I hate that I dont know how to be normal, to function like everybody else does??? I hate that Im my mother's daughter.... I hate that I feel Blah blah Blah... I guess the one consistency here is hate... Blah blah Blah

Ummmmm a New Blog Post

So I realized recently that Ive only blogged once on here & that my entire purpose of this was to document my feelings and progress in my quest to improve myself. However, a lot of things have occurred... I realized that my deep down scared to consistently admit feelings are placed into a figment of a relationship that would either work too perfectly or too horribly. And guess what? Im scared to take the chance. Honestly there is no point in taking a chance actually. Its just not possible at this point in time. But one thing that is possible is me changing my outlook on things like this... In the past month two males, both of whom Im not interested in, have told me that I started out nice and just turned mean on them and u know what?!? Its the truth. I don't like what they say to me and its not like they have even talked crazy to me (for the most part), its the fact that they constantly compliment me. I have no clue why but telling me that Im beautiful bothers the crap out of me. For some reason I feel like it is just apart of the master plot "to get the drawers". But honestly I realized that I've been doing this for years.... Just instantly turning mean whenever a male, wanted or unwanted shows any affection or desire towards me.... and I thought I was ready to try a relationship again. I can barely look the guy I have a crush on in eye let alone talk to him, however I have all the conversation on the phone or over txt... And the question "Why is that?" has been lingering over my head for days and I honestly dont have the answer yet. I dont understand how I can be the most nurturing person to a male in a platonic sense but as soon as one person in the relationship catches feelings, I turn into an instant bitch... Why is that? Im honestly tired of being by myself... I clearly need someone on my side that is there for me that a friend just cant be but I dont know how to be that for another person in exchange and the good in me sees that it is not fair to another person but honestly Ive tired of being by myself... I think that is why Im clinging sooo hard to my high school friends and not completely immersing myself into the college life and gaining the "lifelong friends" u supposedly gain while in college. I feel like I found them already and even though its only 5 of them & 2 either havent been understanding me or neglecting me, I still cant live without them but friends cant give the love of a person u just have a connection with and I currently feel like my insecurities are holding me back from not only finding that but preparing myself to handle it once I find it.... Just something for me to think on

First Post

Ok so usually I wouldnt just randomly post my feelings... My deep dark actual Im afraid to admit fears online but my best friend since the 1st grade Ashli inspired me & if she can do it, I can! So let me start out......

Im scared of relationships. Lol

Hi my name is Niassa and I am afraid to be in a relationship. *sigh*

That actually feels good even tho Im only typing it. I am terribly afraid to be in another relationship. That really feels good to admit. Wednesday I went to my I am Beautiful club meeting as usual and we had a group one on one talk with a group of guys. Now granted to ones who actually participated in the discussions weren't my age but they were close enough, but a couple things really stood out to me that were said.

1. What is the purpose of dating at our age? & I responded there really is no point because we are NOT grown and can't really do anything & someone else said they feel it is to find a lifelong mate & it was asked at 16,17, 18 are you really ready to find the person you are meant to spend the rest of your life with? I dont believe so... You just haven't experienced life enough to know honestly what qualities you want in your life for the REST of your life when you havent lived life.

2. Another question asked was why do ALL guys lie to their girls and say they love them? The guys immediately jumped and said not ALL guys lie, which to some extent is true but that is another issue... They said that guys have feelings too and can actually mean it but just not in the way girls take it. They can mean I love an aspect of you like the way a girl makes them smile or how funny they are, which is true. But someone else said your capacity for love grows, extends, broadens as you grow older so at 16 you may think you love Paul but at 24 you may not feel the same because your capacity has grown even tho it may be the same guy, just at a different time. I think that seems logical but Im just not feeling it... I feel like my capacity for love is disappearing. My love/ patience for friends is dying as well as my desire to want to be in a relationship has completely gone away. Now Im starting to think it has nothing to do with the boy I put ALL my efforts into too little too late and more to do with me. I mean yes for some reason my natural womanly thing happened and I felt the need to surround my life around him and making us one, but much to my avail it was AFTER the end of out relationship & during a timeperiod where he still wanted me but also Sally, Sue & whoever else wanted to take a crack at him & i must admit I was naive to that situation but it has killing my desire to want to enter a state of actually caring for someone else in the same nature so i think I've convinced myself I hate relationships... But what am I afraid of???

Being hurt again?

Love?

Messing up again?

or

Trying something new?