Ummmmm a New Blog Post

So I realized recently that Ive only blogged once on here & that my entire purpose of this was to document my feelings and progress in my quest to improve myself. However, a lot of things have occurred... I realized that my deep down scared to consistently admit feelings are placed into a figment of a relationship that would either work too perfectly or too horribly. And guess what? Im scared to take the chance. Honestly there is no point in taking a chance actually. Its just not possible at this point in time. But one thing that is possible is me changing my outlook on things like this... In the past month two males, both of whom Im not interested in, have told me that I started out nice and just turned mean on them and u know what?!? Its the truth. I don't like what they say to me and its not like they have even talked crazy to me (for the most part), its the fact that they constantly compliment me. I have no clue why but telling me that Im beautiful bothers the crap out of me. For some reason I feel like it is just apart of the master plot "to get the drawers". But honestly I realized that I've been doing this for years.... Just instantly turning mean whenever a male, wanted or unwanted shows any affection or desire towards me.... and I thought I was ready to try a relationship again. I can barely look the guy I have a crush on in eye let alone talk to him, however I have all the conversation on the phone or over txt... And the question "Why is that?" has been lingering over my head for days and I honestly dont have the answer yet. I dont understand how I can be the most nurturing person to a male in a platonic sense but as soon as one person in the relationship catches feelings, I turn into an instant bitch... Why is that? Im honestly tired of being by myself... I clearly need someone on my side that is there for me that a friend just cant be but I dont know how to be that for another person in exchange and the good in me sees that it is not fair to another person but honestly Ive tired of being by myself... I think that is why Im clinging sooo hard to my high school friends and not completely immersing myself into the college life and gaining the "lifelong friends" u supposedly gain while in college. I feel like I found them already and even though its only 5 of them & 2 either havent been understanding me or neglecting me, I still cant live without them but friends cant give the love of a person u just have a connection with and I currently feel like my insecurities are holding me back from not only finding that but preparing myself to handle it once I find it.... Just something for me to think on